hamp's ads and ends

a creative director's life, etc. Line backer compressionists

Recent Posts

  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 26, The Speech
  • STICKING MY ADS OUT
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 25, The Carol Channing Show
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 24, Among My Souvenirs
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 23, Countdown to Liftoff
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 22, People Who Never Thought They'd Meet Al Hampel
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 21, No Buddy Can Eat Just One
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 20, As If It Was Yesterday
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 19, An Auspicious Beginning
  • A Creative Director's Life, Part 18, And Then I wrote

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Let's hear it for the box

Think inside the box.

While you're encouraged to think outside it, it's best not to forget what's in it. If it came with a tag like the one on mattresses and pillows, the tag on the box would read, " Warning! Discard or tamper with the contents of this container at your own risk,"

The box holds such mundane items as the creative strategy and its components: the objective of the advertising, target audience,the selling idea, support for the idea (reason for claim) and tone of the advertising...all those important guidelines for creating effective advertising.

Mid the cacaphony of the meshegas that today passes for advertising we have lost track of what we're supposed to be doing. Advertising is and always was a medium of persuasion, a selling tool.

How persuasive is the placement of a product in a movie, or the logo slapped on a race car to compete with the camouflage of a dozen other logos. What is preferred position in this situation? And yet the mere sighting of a product or merely its name constitutes advertising in many quarters.

I wouldn't retire the storyboard or the printed page just yet.Cherish the time and the space to convince.

And remember the box. It's the brake that stops you before plunging into a sea of vacuity. It's the string around your finger that reminds you what you're being paid to achieve.

It must be obvious by now that I'm from the school of "It's Not Creative Unless It Sells".

I should be. I wrote it.

June 02, 2006 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

June 27, 2006 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 27, 2006 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

A Creative Approach from the Brazilian Soccer Play Book

In an article from the june 25th Sunday New York Times,titled "Brazil's Unpaved Path to Excellence",author Larry Rohter serves up cogent reasons for Brazil's great success over the years on the world soccer scene.

"Confusion and unpredictability of daily life has made Brazilians adept at dribbling around rules and barriers."

According to Tostao, a popular commentator,"We Brazilians are accustomed to having to improvise,to being creative when we are in a tight spot. It's that intuitive ability to sidestep the rules and improvise on the spot that distinguishes the great player from the excellent."

What can we in advertising take from the Brazilian's creative approach to soccer.

How can we observe a strategy yet  dribble around it. In other words, honor the strategy but factor in some elasticity  when creating ideas and writing advertising. Strategies are not so fragile that they can't abide some stretching and bending. Breakthrough ideas are known to lurk just around the bend.

Kevin Roddy, creative director of BBH in New York, puts it this way, "It's not about outside the box, but rather to create inside the box while pushing vigorously on its walls...from the inside outward."

No client ever rejected a breakthrough idea because it had stretch marks.

July 05, 2006 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (0)

Some Ends from Hamp's Ads and Ends

Just asking.

Has anyone ever bought tires because the Goodyear Blimp hovers over sports stadiums and shoots totally inconsequential shots of the field and the crowd? And who has bought Minute Maid or Tropicana because they have fields named after them. Unfortunately a lot of people bought Enron before it became Minute Maid Field. Can Charmin Field be far behind?

If only advertisers would take some of their nutty sponsorship money and invest it in making new commercials to replace the worn out ones that run on and on until they are totally ignored. When the viewer recites the copy in a commercial before the voice over does, it's time to  retire that spot. Big ideas executed in variety so the viewer is never bored but constantly surprised may help revive the maligned 30-second TV commercial and restore television advertising effectiveness.Remember Emerson; "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." And Andy Warhol once said, "I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all its meaning."

Humorous commercials wear out the fastest. How many times can you hear or see the same joke?

By the way, do you think Burt Bachrach's latest, " I hope I'll Never Get Hit in the Rear Again." will make it to the charts? Pray for the gecko. Every agency creative person, when looking for a celebrity for a spot, has a list of those who are willing to work for a modest fee. Of course, these are not top stars but mostly has-beens.Geico seems to be using them all. A celebrity will never take the place of an idea. A good idea does not need celebrity added value.

A neat sign on a bus stop,"Other airlines fly over the same countries as we do. We just land at more of them." for Continental. One of the best plays on words and wholly relevant is "The Wetness Protection Program" for Arrid Extra Dry. Bless the theme lines that express ideas in memorable ways.

One of the most effective spots I've seen recently shows an EMS vehicle, siren blaring, hopelessly boxed in standstill traffic while the voice over tells how long a damaged heart can survive without outside stimulation, a matter of precious minutes. This commercial for the Phillips Home Defibrillator. An arresting demonstration.

If ever there was an oxymoron it's " global local" a phrase I see bandied about in describing new advertising campaigns.

Internet advertising success is measured in "hits". But if "hits" don't convert to sales they're "flails".

Isn't it warming to know that S.C. Johnson is a "Family Company" So are the Gambinos.

Men now have a new vibrator. You turn it on and your hand tingles as it hums.This new thrill is called Fusion Power and comes with five blades that have no relationship to the new vibrations.Many men think that Trac 2 ,with no vibrations and three fewer blades gives you the same shave as Fusion Power. Not to be out bladed by the competition, Gillette is now considering a six bladed razor, called Fusion Hari-Kari.

The more things change department....

Years ago all advertising in the so-called main media, print, TV, radio, outdoor, had counterpart sections related to the main campaign but taking it in unexpected new directions. We even had a department devoted exclusively to yesteryear's version of buzz marketing. It was called the sales promotion department and even then there were those who believed that without sales promotion traditional advertising would be half as effective. I agree. I grew up in sales promotion and I am convinced that it made me a better copywriter.

In the recent debate between the White House and the Senate over torture versus Geneva Convention rules, torture was defined as being confined to a cell and subjected to 24/7 of Mentos commercials.

The new bill passed by Congress permits harsh interrogation as in "are you gellin?" over and over while the innersoles keep sellin' and sellin' and profits keep swellin' and swellin'. No wonder old Doc Scholl is kvellin' And the detainees? They can't keep from tellin'.

September 25, 2006 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Compressionists

You're probably aware of this example: A postscript at the end of a long, redundant, multi-page letter reads, " I would have made this shorter but I didn't have the time." How true. Good writing takes time and includes careful editing and re-editing. In other words it's hard work.

Somewhere, drummed into the education of many of us, was the misconception that writing long was a sign of supreme intelligence and the use of big words was a sure indicator of erudition. Whoops, is that one of those words?

Word padding is as obvious as the shoulders on Joan Crawford's jackets and just as obtrusive.

In his book, "Mind the Gaffe" American linguist R.L. Trask takes on writing stupidity and cites this example: Do not write drivel like Galliano is at the epicenter of women's fashion: all this means is Galliano is important in women's fashion, and I am a pretentious twit."

Somerset Maugham once wrote, "There are six rules for good writing."

"Unfortunately no one knows what they are."

I don't know the rules but I do adhere to certain principles:

  1. Keep it short.
  2. Keep it simple.
  3. Make it clear.

Sticking to the principles practically guarantees succinct, effective communication.

Good writing is most often a matter of compression. Compression by cutting or editing. Say what you mean and get out. Excise the extraneous. Remove the redundant. If the words don't contribute to comprehension of the idea, get rid of them.

Visiting a ranch in Arizona one day, a group of tourists were intrigued by a grizzled old cowboy on the trail who was absorbed in whittling the head of an Indian out of a block of wood. One tourist said, "that looks like awfully hard work." "Nothin' to it ."  replied the cowboy. "Just cut away everything that don't look like an Indian."

Of necessity advertising copywriters are compressionists.They are not given the time or space to do anything but compress. As the bumper sticker says, "Copywriters do it in 30 seconds."

Copywriters can convert a complex idea into a short and memorable phrase, known in advertising as the theme line. A good theme line becomes an integral part of brand identity.

When E.F. Hutton talks people listen

There's alway room for Jell-o

You can eat a million of 'em but no one can eat just one (Lay's potato chips)

We really move our tail for you (Continental Airlines)

With a name like Smucker's it has to be good

Don't leave home without it (American Express)

We bring good things to life (G.E.)

William James advice to his younger brother Henry James, a master of English prose, "say a thing in one sentence as straight and explicit as it can be made and then drop it forever."

"It's mostly a matter of clearing away the way Robert Frost did. There are meanings in words a poet chooses not to use."  Paul Muldoon

Headline writers, especially in tabloid newspapers, make ideal compressionists. They can capture the essence of a story and sum it up cleverly in a few words. Years ago when Pat Cash of Australia defeated Ivan Lendl in the U.S. Open:

Cash Better Than Czech

More recently:

"Rums Felled"

"Bush Whacked"

"Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous" (about the rash of plastic surgery)

"Lust in Space" ( the astronaut love triangle scandal)

"Waist Management" ( sub title of book on dieting)

There is something about an automobile bumper that inspires clever compression:

"Fishermen do it with their flies down"

"Archers do it with a quiver"

William Styron defined overblown writing best, " self flattering turgidity".

Summing up, the compressionist's credo:

Write tight, write light, and you write bright.

Thomas Jefferson was unhappy with the editing of his original draft of the "Declaration of Indepence." Franklin tried to cheer him up with a story about a hat maker who made a sign for his business that read,"John Thompson, Hatter, Makes and sells Hats for Ready Money."By the time his friends had edited it, it was reduced to the words, "John Thompson" with the picture of a hat and it worked.

March 23, 2007 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (2)

Confessions of a Line Backer

The shortest distance between a big idea and a memorable ad is a great line.

I love lines and I recently took inventory of lines in our lives:

Punch lines,straight lines, offlines, onlines, blood lines, fault lines, cruise lines, air lines time lines, phone lines,  sight lines, party lines, stress lines, tie lines, plot lines, theme lines, laugh lines, headlines, top lines, bottom lines, offensive lines, defensive lines, assembly lines, stream lines, ticket lines, base lines, foul lines, life lines,etc. You could probably think of dozens more and I invite you to do so.

But this piece focuses on the lines that drive advertising, sometimes called theme lines or tag lines and in print, headlines.

Recently several large advertisers admitted that they are not hiring ad agencies to churn out TV commercials and print ads or even the snippets and events that pass for advertising on the Internet. Although this material is important, what advertisers primarily want from their agencies is IDEAS.

Not that agencies ever blew off ideas. Ideas have always been at the heart of all good advertising. But advertisers have suddenly noticed that much of the content they were getting from their agencies was bereft of clear ideas, simply stated, ideas that viewers or readers could understand, relate to and remember. Let's call these selling ideas because when they are well done they help increase business.  And what else are agencies in business to do.

Now back to my love affair with the line.

The line is the idea set to words.

The line is host to the idea.

A good line sticks in the mind.

The line is parent to the campaign.

The line often outlasts the execution.

Some years ago we were in a competitive shoot out for the  prized Continental Airlines account. When the line, "We Really Move Our Tail for You", surfaced we knew we had a winner. Executions of the advertising flowed naturally from the line. But It was the line that won the account,  beating half a dozen other fine agencies. The line had all the right stuff. It was brief. It had the idea. It was catchy. It had a certain edginess. Controversial, yes in some quarters, but not nearly enough to deter passengers from flying Continental. And the notoriety? The night the campaign broke Johnny Carson did five minutes on it in his opening monologue. Best of all, planes were flying full and the client was never happier.

Other lines that have achieved notable selling success over the years:

"When E.F. Hutton Talks People Listen." The strategy, the idea, the ads all wrapped up in one.

Say what you want about Mr. Whipple and "Please Don't Squeeze the Charmin", but that line and the ads that some called corny, catapulted Charmin  way over number one Scott to take first place in the toilet tissue category. And toilet tissue is not your most demonstrable product.

" It Even Absorbs the Worry" for Rely tampons. The strategy, the idea, and memorability in one. The line even became part of the package. Unfortunately soon after introduction and the setting of sales records the product ran into medical  problems and was withdrawn. Incidentally the line was written by an art director.

"A Diamond is Forever" The line is the campaign.

"Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking". The idea and line that spawned those memorable product demonstrations of Timex watches.

"Don't Leave Home Without It" Do you need to know any more about the American Express card?

"When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best"

"There's Always Room for Jell-O".

"Fly the Friendly Skies".

"Look Ma No Cavities"

"Melts in Your Mouth Not in Your Hand"

"Where's the Beef?" A line that was fortuitously discovered inside a spot for Wendy's and gained nationwide prominence when presidential candidate Walter Mondale quoted it in a debate.

"Great Taste Less Filling."

"Got Milk?"

What all these lines have in common is one big idea simply and briefly stated and a vital part of the campaigns they  spawned.

Some will say pour tons of money against any line and it will stick. To borrow a phrase from Hertz, "Not Exactly".

No amount of money will rescue the following lines from the DNR (do not resuscitate) list:

My Life My Card (Amex)

You and Us (UBS)

Beyond Perfection (Buick)

Purely You (Dell)

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit (Cadillac)

The Power of You (Time Warner)

I'm Lovin It (McDonald's)

Now if you want my advice. Don't all raise your hands at once. I'm going to give it to you anyway.

If you're looking for an idea and an advertising campaign, write a line. Write many lines. Throw out the clinkers and there will be many of them. But from that hodgepodge there will emerge an idea encased in a line. There might be several lines that will be keepers. Star them. Put them away for the night. Hit them again the next day and judge them on the basis of how well the idea and the line fit the creative or marketing strategy. Look for lines that have that certain ring to them. humor, alliteration, rhyme, intrusiveness, newsworthiness, characteristics that qualify for memorability. The best lines will pop out and stay relevant. Once you have the idea in a good line, the campaign is almost certain to follow. It now becomes a matter of executing the ads. The line will serve as the anchor for the campaign.

When in need, put your money on the line.

This system worked for me.

At this time I am reminded of a quote from Alan Jay Lerner who wrote "My Fair Lady" and other hit Broadway shows. He was asked why so much time elapsed between his creations. His response: "It's not that I'm slow to write; I'm quick to throw out."

I will leave you with a line that I saw outside a jewelry store in the mall. "Ears pierced while you wait".

March 23, 2007 in advertising | Permalink

A SPONGE CAKE RANSOM the life of creative director Al Hampel

  "Got silk?" If you were around in the 1930's or 40's and answered "yes" there's a good chance that your silk came from the looms of H & H Silk Co. on Matlock St. in a grimy section of the mill town of Paterson New Jersey. Paterson was my home town and known the world over as the "Silk City".

One of the H's was Leo Hampel, my father, who tended to his six looms like a rancher to his flock. Weaving was the skill my father brought with him from the Polish textile hub of Lodz so it was no surprise that upon arriving in America he teamed with his brother Isadore and bought a half dozen looms from Crompton & Knowles on credit, a lot of credit.

I must have been about seven or eight when , as a treat my dad took me to the shop. In my family it was always the shop, never the mill or the factory. On first confronting a loom, I remember stepping back from the monster, a complex machine about the size of an armored personnel carrier and looking just as warlike. Parts were interacting every which way, shuttles east and west, reeds north and south plus quills and bobbins and warps. All working in tandem and creating a din that jarred the teeth and buckled the floor. Oil and grease stains served as floor coverings. This was the way my father earned a living every day, six days a week and many hours of overtime in that dirt and noise. No wonder he shouted when he talked. But from this cacophony and drudgery came lustrous,slinky, sexy silk, prized by fashionistas far and wide. I knew then and there this was not how I wanted to spend my life.

The language of our house was Yiddish. So I spoke Yiddish before I spoke English. When my parents didn't want me to hear something, they spoke to each other in a very broken English. Both immigrants from Poland, they were in America longer than I was.

My father's skills really came to the fore whenever there was a "smetsh" Leo Hampel's word for smash, a monumental screw up that came with the ominous grinding of metal and a halt to weaving followed by silence as if the machine needed to take a break. A smash was costly as production stopped and the output of silk diminished. On his knees or his back, Dad had little time to find the cause of the breakdown and fix it. Loom fixers were a special breed with intimate knowedge of every inch of the loom and how to get the beast working again. My Dad was an ace loom fixer and later in life he applied his skills in other shops.

The specialty of H&H Silk Co. was tie silk, the very finest of the breed that became the costly cravats that adorned the necklines of gentlemen who could afford the finest. There was no room for error in the manufacture of tie silk. Nary a slub was acceptable. Any misweave voided that day's production. Money down the drain.

I like to think that H&H silk went into the making of the luxury ties that a short salesman named Ralph Lipschitz was selling to fine stores everywhere. Ralph Lipschitz went on to become Ralph Lauren. Leo Hampel went on to become bankrupt. Alas as the textile industry began to abandon Paterson New Jersey for more profitable climes in the South where labor was cheaper and unions non existent. Caught in that squeeze, H&H was forced to sell its looms for scrap. And many times I thought those mashed, chopped up H&H looms came back to haunt America via Tokyo and Iwo Jima. Ironically much of the world's raw silk came from the silkworms of Japan.

At home, Mary, my mother cooked and baked, cleaned and washed clothes by hand and hung them on the line to dry. No one cooked and baked or cleaned like Mary. Oh how I lust today for that home cooking and special baked goods that I didn't appreciate as a kid. Gefilte fish, matzo balls, potato balls vegetable soup, stuffed cabbage, stuffed veal, stuffed derma and stuffed family and friends around the dinner table. All cooking done without referring to a recipe and never anything written down. What happens in Mary's kitchen stays in Mary's kitchen.

But what Mom did best was importune her kids, my brother Dan and me, to excel in school. This we did without fail lest as she would say, " You'll wind up working in your father's shop." If any mother was the driving force behind her kid's success, Mary would be at the wheel of a stretch Rolls Royce. My brother went on to a hugely successful career as an electrical engineer. Me? Well I went into advertising.

Once when I came home without a gold star on my report card, my mother asked, "What happened to the honor roll this term?"

"I didn't like the teacher very much."

"Why not?"

"She came to my desk and told me that Palmer was probably spinning in his grave and my handwriting was better left in the ink well."

"When she leaned down she had bad breath. She eats ham sandwiches."

After Dad's business failed, household income dwindled.

We were also in the last stages of a depression so like most families in our neighborhood we made some adjustments to maintain some semblance of our comfortable lifestyle.

Dad picked up temporary jobs as a loom fixer in assorted mills. At one point my mother took a job as a quill winder, a less labor intensive task in the weaving process, one more suitable for a woman. But one day an errant shuttle which could become a dangerous flying missile hit her in an ear and impaired her hearing ever after.

Despite the cutbacks we continued to live at 348 East 23rd Street in a wood frame four story house and never missed a rent payment. Dad shoveled coal ,kept the fire alive and hauled ashes to keep our flat warm and in hot water during the winter. I shared one of our two bedrooms with my brother. The apartment was located over Freed's grocery store which was very convenient since we had an arrangement with Mr. Freed to buy groceries without cash. Freed recorded our purchases in a ledger and at the end of the month we would pay up. I was never sure about Freed's bookkeeping or arithmetic but we enjoyed mutual trust.

I wasn't aware of it at the time but we were living a sort of generic existence. My parents, especially my mother slaved to maintain our standard of living. She was so good at keeping us afloat in the style to which we were accustomed that I can't say I was deprived. I would never have described us as poor. We were just very, very not well off.

Nevertheless the signs of poverty were clear and omnipresent. We had no car so we relied on the Madison Avenue bus to take us downtown and back. The fare was ten cents for a half hour ride with lots of stops along the way. Once in a while our generous neighbor, Mr. Resnick invited us for a ride around the environs of Paterson in his vintage Packard. Oh how I looked forward to this treat to glimpse a bit of the world outside my small circle.

The only phone in the building was in Freed's so we were permitted to make and receive emergency calls on Freed's phone.

I had no bike and no sled to enjoy the steep eighth avenue hill in winter. One January day when the snow was packed tight, even icy, a friend let me use his sled. It was the loan that came close to ending my life at an early stage. As I reached the bottom of the hill at an incredible speed, a car made a turn right into my path. I steered to avoid  a collision but not enough to avoid ramming into the right rear tire of the oncoming car. Thrown from the sled and deposited in a snow bank at the side of the road, the car stopped and out came the driver, a woman who had heard a jolt and looking as though she had just run over and killed a kid with her car. There I was immobilized not by the snow but by terror, terror of what might have been and how I would have to explain it to my mother.

During this embargo on what little luxuries we might have enjoyed, there were still ways a kid could pass the time enjoyably if even in the imagination. I would invent games and actually execute some of them out of available cardboard and a pair of dice. Football and baseball with teams drawn up from box scores in the Daily News provided many hours of fun with or without a friend to play with. I announced these games as though I was on radio fancying myself Mel Allen or Red Barber. I created a game of chance constructed on a wooden crate with a circle of seven numbers, and a spinner in the middle. A poor man's roulette. With a meager allowance I bought a small board game called Kentucky Derby on which you moved your horse one space at a time according to where the spinner landed. The horses were named War Admiral, Twenty Grand, Omaha, Gallant Fox, Cavalcade and other great race horses of the time. Of course I described the races as any good announcer would. While the country was caught up in Monopoly mania, my friends and I made do with a pale and cheaper imitation called Big Business. None of us could afford the real thing.

There was never a shortage of food during this time of need. Our family was eventually forced to enroll in a poverty program sponsored by the city of Paterson. It was called being "on relief" and it consisted mainly of food stamps. My mother hated this dole but she swallowed her pride to keep her family in calories. I remember one Thanksgiving a big truck came through the neighborhood delivering the equivalent of CARE packages to those "on relief". I was so embarassed I ignored the delivery man seeking out our apartment to make the ignominious drop. Yet the special Thanksgiving  package found its way to our door. We were the recipients of a turkey and all the trimmings. My mom sorted through the goody bag keeping the pareve items but disposing of the turkey, lard and other non kosher items. Our Thanksgiving was more of a kosher chicken and shmaltz event.

Aunt Selma, my mother's older sister came to America several years before the rest of the family. In her mind this endowed her with a sense of superiority which characterized her demeanor ever after. She shed, she thought, all semblance of her roots and spoke only English. But it was English with a pretty heavy Yiddish accent, although everyone kept it hidden from her so she really considered herself a "Yenkee". a grand dame who always knew more about all things than anyone else. "Mary" she would say to my mother,"You need to take Elvin (for Alvin).  to a doctor; he's too skinny. I can see his heart beating in his chest. That's not right. You let him join the Cub Scouts? oh no, they take the Boy Scouts first when there is a war.

Once when I spilled my chocolate milk, she wiped up the mess with a wash cloth then squeezed the contents back into my glass. Since I was away from home and a five year old guest at Aunt Selma's summer rental in Goshen, N.Y. I thought I better do what I'm told, so I drank it. .

Aunt Selma's only child was Florence, the wunderkind, best in everything she tried. She also was, hands down the best spoiled brat in all of Bensonhurst, where the Waxmans chose to settle as immigrants. Uncle Nathan was a kindly old soul who worked as a furrier and served as a living ATM for Florence. Aunt Selma ran a sewing machine at a dress factory close to home. Friends at work were always giving Aunt Selma gifts, some of which she tried to pawn off on us. In a closet in the Waxman apartment there was a bag filled with brand new, tags still on, merchandise. Most of it was assorted items of clothing.  None of this loot was ever appropriate for my family, but one time Selma insisted I take and wear a brand new pair of blue suede shoes. "You look good in them. " My new blue suede shoes were about three sizes too big, but Aunt Selma made sure we took them home because they were beautiful and expensive. So before there was Elvis there was Elvin and his blue suede shoes. I never wore them. ,, My family and I were convinced that Aunt Selma's friends at work were stationed right where all that stuff fell off the truck.

Lest I forget let me tell you about my flat feet. How flat? It was as though all the air went out of my tires and I was walking on the rims. Some expert on all matters, probably Aunt Selma, strongly advised that I should be wearing arch supports. Thus I was outfitted with clunky metal arch inserts that were so uncomfortable and sharp along the edges they cut through the leather of my ugly high top shoes. As though the kids in school needed more material for jokes. If I had ever passed through  a metal detector with those arches I would immediatly be taken into custody. And the front page headline in the next day's New York Post would read, "8 Year Old Shoe Bomber Caught Flat."

I had fun with cousin Florence and actually enjoyed her craziness but one time as we were in the bathtub together. Don't ask how that ever came about but during that infamous scrub down, cousin Florence bit me in the stomach and left the imprint  of her teeth on me for months. It's a good thing her aim was not too good or we'd be going to another bris.

The main thing I liked about visiting Aunt Selma and Florence was the location of their home, just ten minutes by trolley to my vacation paradise, Coney Island. It wasn't exactly St. Bart's or Barbados but it didn't have jelly fish or urchins to avoid in the surf. All you had to look out for were used condoms. I could think of no place that would be more fun for an eight year old than Coney Island. After a day at the beach we had the boardwalk to look forward to. The boardwalk had all the glitter and excitement for kids that Las Vegas held out to adults. On the boardwalk you had many games of chance in the numerous penny arcades. Payoffs were mainly in free plays. Skee Ball was a game of skill and you would accumulate cards redeemable in junk prizes, most all of them stuffed. Steeplechase Park was the Taj Mahal of amusements on the boardwalk. The only way I gained entry was via someone' s throwaway ticket that had some unused rides. So one time I did get to hold on for life and scream in terror on the legendary Cyclone roller coaster. I also rode the famous race horses and walked the rotating barrel and drove the bump'em cars and saw Coney Island from the huge Ferris wheel. While Coney didn't have the great restaurants of Vegas it did have the best frozen custard and the one and only Nathan' hot dogs which were well worth risking the wrath of God for eating treyf (non kosher). I have never eaten hot dogs as fabulous as those. I now salivate at the memory.

At the southern end of the boardwalk was Luna Park, the other assemblage of rides and fascinating freak shows. It was theater to hear the barkers make extravagant claims of the rarities to be seen inside:  the sword swallower,  the fire eater,  the snake charmer,  a hermaphrodite,  the bearded lady, the world's strongest man, the tatooed wonder and more. From the fast talking comedic pitch of the barker, I took my first lesson in writing ad copy. I could never afford a ticket and I was too young for them to sell me one but just hearing about these wonders of the world triggered all kinds of images, none so vivid as the beautiful Tirza In Her Amazing Bath of Wine. Yes, up on the stage was this huge color poster featuring a gigantic wine glass into which Tirza "naked as the day she was born", the barker said, was shown lolling in Bordeaux , legs sexily dangling over the rim. At first I thought "this is funny; didn't she turn all purple? " Does the ticket include watching her shower afterwards?" These were the thoughts of a wide-eyed kid mesmerized by the beautiful Tirza seen only through a deep purple cheaply silk screened back drop, but even then what started out as funny became a more serious but not unpleasant sensation. In my young but fertile mind I probably saw more of Tirza than the paying audience did

A case of identity theft? No, a case of identity transference. One summer, the YMHA of Paterson sponsored an all expense paid two-week stay at a summer camp for kids whose families could not afford to send them. It was sort of a Fresh Air Fund of the day. Naturally my mother enrolled me. " You'll make new friends. You'll play sports. You'lll have a good time." She could not have argued more convincingly to get this response: "No way." With the registration form came a list of required camp clothes of which I owned precious few. Next thing I know a box arrives special delivery with more than enough camp gear for two weeks, each piece with  an i.d. label sewn in the shoulder. Names I never heard of. All garments, as they say of used cars, previously owned. "I'm not going" I protested even as I boarded the Lehigh Valley train to Port Jervis,N.Y.and then on to Milford, Pa. and Camp Cedar Crest, a picturesque sylvan retreat in the Poconos my home for the next two weeks. As predicted I soon adjusted and even began to enjoy camp. Apparently former wearers of my new identity outfits  left some extra base hits in their tee shirts and some amazing basketball shots in my shorts. They must have been jocks and for this I belatedly thank them very much. They not only helped me trade the tar bubbling pavements of Paterson for a cool and welcome,but all too short,respite in the country. I learned to swim, was elected captain of the basketball team. scored some points in games and actually hit the softball out of the infield. All of this for a kid whose only previous athletic experience consisted of rooting for the Boston Red Sox.

I never suffered the expected identity crisis despite labels to the contrary. In two weeks I became known as Alvin, that fun kid from Paterson.

Bubbe, my maternal grandmother, often spent time in our flat. When my mother went to work, Bubbe played nanny, baby sitter, cook (pasta with ketchup) and wise old storehouse of amusing and often ridiculous bubbemeises (myths, superstitions, old wive's tales).

Bubbe never did learn English, so from her I learned Yiddish, many words of which no English translation can accurately do justice.

While Bubbe didn't invent the spitless spit, she surely was one of its seasoned practitioners. "Ptooey" . I first heard the sound and saw the gesture whenever the name Hitler was mentioned. Her head would face down and with an emphatic shake would spray "Ptooey" meant to curse the ruthless dictator and wishing him in drayed (buried ). Grandma's only son, Herschel, my uncle, and his family perished in the holocaust. "Ptooey" was also emplyed when treyf ( non kosher foods) or chometz (not kosher for Passover) were mentioned, in an effort to ward off the ingestion of such foods. Bubbe would look skyward as if to imply God is watching. I was so impressed with these incantations that I did not violate the rules until many years later and even when I did eat something I wasn't supposed to I believed I was committing a sin and would be punished. I didn't eat bacon,ham or shell fish until I served in the Navy many years later and to this day I shun such foods.

Some typical bubbemeises:

If you let your fingernails grow long you will have bad luck.

If you eat standing up the food will go to your legs.

The best physic (laxative) is an enema.

Eat a flat piece of toast (a panetzl) liberally slathered with garlic (knoble) and you poison all the germs in your system

The one and only cure for acne is urine.

The best cure for digestive problems is a mixture of rhubarb and soda. Bubbe compounded this remedy at home by combining shavings from a well aged chunk of rhubarb with baking soda. The results were preserved in jars and looked exactly like jars of mud. It's been written that uncooked rhubarb is about as delectable as pond algae. Those who could stomach this concoction swore it worked.

It was a time of highly publicized kidnappings in the country, headlined by the Lindbergh tragedy. To prevent my being snatched, Bubbe was assigned to get me when school let out and one day in the boisterous crowd of parents and schoolkids that milled about at session's end, one woman grabbed my arm and said, "Come to momma". I do remember the event and to me it was simply a case of reaching  for the wrong arm. But to her dying day Bubbe remained convinced that I was about to be kidnapped and that she saved my life. If she was right it would have been the world's first kidnapping ransomed with all that my family could afford  to pay - a homemade sponge cake.

May 19, 2007 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (1)

A Creative Director's Life. Part 2 Call of the Corner

Ever since Dick and Jane I do not remember a time when I was not a avid reader. I read everything in print: newspapers, magazines, books, comic books, mailings, ads, signs, cereal boxes, direction inserts, etc. I love words. I once contracted to sell magazines door to door, cold calling and hawking Saturday Evening Post, Lberty, Woman's Home Companion, Colliers. The payoff was not in money but in prizes. My first award for selling three dollars worth of magazines was a balsa wood glider which, on its maiden flight, landed high atop a factory and was never seen again. Not all bad because between sales, and there was a lot of between, I could read those magazines. But from the time I was able to borrow books from a branch library near my house I fell madly in love with books. I became the library's most freqent borrower, two books every two weeks, and never a late return. I had truly catholic taste reading such authors as Jack London,Upton Sinclair John Steinbeck, Zane Grey,James Fenimore Cooper . I enjoyed non fiction too, particularly books on current events and biographies. I was also hooked on series written for young readers, Bomba the Jungle Boy and the Tom Swift adventures. But reading, like writing was a lonely pursuit so in time I put my books aside for a while and ventured out of doors, particularly to the corner of Eighth Avenue and 23rd Street the site of old man Kay's candy store and the gathering place of most of my contemporaries. I slowly acquired the art of hanging out, just hanging out and doing a lot of nothing but shmoozing and absorbing, a little singing, goofing on one another, arguing over baseball, doing imitations of neighborhood characters and creating minor mischief like loud noise that drew the ire of old man Kay who threatened to call the cops which he never did. The corner was also the arena for a bunch of small ball games, played with that old standby, the spaldeen (read Spalding) a pink rubber ball which could then be purchased for a nickel. There was box ball, wall ball, stoop ball, corner ball and of course stick ball. There was no surface exempt from a rendezvous with a spaldeen. And at times we were chased for creating a nuisance. The snack du jour at Kay's cost a dime and consisted of a pretzel log and a Pepsi. Pepsi was newly introduced to compete with Coke on a strategy of more for your money:

Pepsi Cola hits the spot

Twelve full ounces. that's a lot

Twice as much for your money too

Pepsi Cola is the drink for you

Trickle, trickle, trickle

And then back on the street to see who could come up with the loudest burp.

The corner proved popular with adults as well as the guys. From a radius of about five blocks, people came to Kay's candy store. They stopped for an ice cream cone,to buy newspapers and magazines, some even to tilt with the pinball machine or play the numbers.So Kay's became a special salon, a town square serving the enlarged neighborhood where customers could stop for a few minutes after their purchases to chat with the boys, exchange stories, catch up on gossip or watch us play the  corner games which were always a hoot. We went at it as if we were in the big leagues and like the big leagues even more fun when fights broke out. The gang was always good for laughs. Frankie Scaz would regale us with stories from the Spotless dry cleaning factory where he had a part time job:

No use standing on the seat,

Spotless crabs jump six feet.

It was kind of amazing to me, but more and more adults began to show up at the corner of 8th Avenue and 23rd Street.  A candidate for mayor of Paterson was a regular, as was a doctor, a chief of police, a fireman, a mailman and a bus driver, assorted businessmen, a circle of grownups eager to mix with the guys, exchange anecdotes and have a few laughs. We attracted a membership of regulars and while I was not aware of it at the time I was continuing my education in a way no school or book could deliver. I was working on my degree in street smarts.

Of what benefit to men and women their various degrees from prestigious universities if they do not have street smarts? They are among the truly disadvantaged.

I was once asked to define street smarts. Street smart means never having to be called a "shmuck."

June 13, 2007 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (1)

A Creative Director's Life, Part 3, My 15 Minutes

Not being a very high draft pick, when sides were chosen to play stick ball, I was in charge of the stick. So it was not unusual in the summer of my 12th year to find me rummaging through backyards in search of mops and brooms that were near death and would welcome decapitation as mercy killings. When I would show up with a new stick I was rewarded by calling balls and strikes, should the games involve realistic baseball conditions. Occasionly I would get to pinch hit. Thus I found myself in a no-win situation, being harassed for striking out or maligned for making bad calls.

In late August as the sun was setting on the summer vacation, the recreational office of the city of Paterson, in a move to shift gangs from the streets to the ball fields, created a city softball league. We never considered ourselves  members of a gang nor did we have an organized softball team. Nevertheless we found our neighborhood  scheduled to play a team from across the tracks, a section normally off limits to our guys because those kids were said to be hooligans who would pick on stragglers into their territory.

The game was to be played on a Sunday morning at Lafayette oval, their home field. Too embarassed to call the whole thing off, we hastily put together a ragtag team and called ourselves, "Amicis". Bull Horowitz , one of our more learned members came up with name. "It's Latin for friends" he told us. Having little time to argue, we went along with a name sure to instill fear into the opposing team, the "18th Street Raiders."

The Amicis featured the best jocks that could be assembled from a nice, friendly neighborhood where the worst "shonda" (scandal) was Bull walking out of Kay's with a comic book under his coat and the book falling out from under when confronted by old man Kay.

As luck would have it we were one player short on the day of the game, so they all looked at me and I became the starting left fielder, a position deemed least risky to the team's success. My palms immediately began to wet the inside of my borrowed fielder's glove.

You might say the game was decided when the Raiders showed up. As they jumped from a beat up pickup, they looked more like members of a work release gang than a softball team. They were a motley crew, but they had beautiful black and gold team shirts with names like Tony, Wolf, Angelo, Mario, Spider, Turk and Rocco who turned out to be their pitcher. Our team featured Marvin, Marty, Seymour, Worm, Harry, Squirrel, Burton, Scaz. Sidney, Stewie and me Alvin. However in my neighborhood I was known as Ted, as in Ted Williams my idol. This was a blessing since Alvin was then a popular name of a chipmunk. Anyway, if you lined us up we looked just like a class that had just come home from Temple.

Our first six batters struck out. They called him "Rocket" because he seemed to have one attached to his arm. We watched as a softball turn into a pea. We soon knew that we were in a laugher. Our Scaz was a pretty good pitcher but he was not having luck getting anyone out. Third inning, the score eleven to nothing and another long fly ball, this one in the area of left field, where you might remember I was standing. The ball was coming my way and I'm thinking "Oy vey, Hampel this is it". First I ran in, then I stumbled back, then to the side. The ball seemed to be drifting. Understand, the surface of this outfield made Mars look like a croquet lawn. "With a little luck I thought, I would disappear into one of those craters".  A lot of breaths were held on our sideline. After what seemed like an  eternity that nice and friendly ball found its way into my glove. A hugh cheer went up from the spectators.

"But it's not over Hampel". You have to bat.  Until my turn our team had just one feeble ground out. Even though my heart was thumping and my hands were clammy, I believe I made an imposing figure at the plate. From the time they started calling me Ted, I worked on developing a formidable batting stance and a smooth swing of the bat, homage to Ted Williams. I might not get a lot of hits but I had a beautiful swing. Behind me their catcher yelled to the Rocket, "Careful, this guy looks like a hitter." I turned and said "Would you say that louder please?" He did and suddenly I'm feeling  like the legendary hitter I was named after. I swung at the next pitch and lofted a lazy fly ball into short left field. The shortstop drifted out: the left fielder came running in. And I'm standing there in a trance hearing "run, run, run, what are you standing there for?" Before I could reach first, anyone else would have been on third, the left fielder,running as though he was on fire, made a spectacular shoe string catch.

The only member of the Amicis to hit a ball out of the infield, I was greeted as a hero with much applause and high fives. So what if we lost 21-0, So what if Rocket had 16 strikeouts. So what if our five pitchers gave up a dozen hits and almost as many walks. A miraculous catch , miraculous for me, routine for anyone else, robbed of the only hit we could muster, I reached the acme of my athletic career, my fifteen minutes of fame even though it came in a losing cause.

June 14, 2007 in advertising | Permalink | Comments (0)

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